Woo the Witch
by ohsnap its potter
Summary: Beastly Boy likes cheese. Lord Foxy likes women. Bookworm likes books. And the Incredible Hunk likes a certain girl named Evans. Lily can't help but wonder WHY she agreed to be everyone's Saturday night entertainment... ONESHOT


A/N: Another one-shot. Haha. I'm such a nerdy pants :) This will probably be the last one-shot for a while, so I hope you enjoy it! It's kind of insane, and I know it probably wouldn't happen, but hey, what is fanfiction for, eh? Abbey pretty much got this idea, but she didn't feel like writing it, so I wrote it myself. :)

Oh, and Liv and I deleted and reposted Harry Potter and Unknown Truth, so I hope you check that out, too!

Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter.

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Lily Evans sat with her arms folded across her chest angrily. Her best friend, Kate, was standing in front of her, trying desperately to explain herself before Lily hexed her into next century.

"Please, Lily…don't get mad…" Kate said, pulling at her dark brown hair frantically, "I just…thought you needed a little help in the boy department…"

"What did you do?" Lily asked, narrowing her eyes.

"I uh…" She paused and swallowed, her hazel eyes glistening, "You know that dating game? Woo the Witch?"

Lily nodded, narrowing her eyes even more. Woe the Witch was some pathetic game that all the older students played to find dates. Four boys would be hidden, while one girl would ask them all questions. At the end, the one who the girl picked she would have to go out with. Everyone else would watch in the audience. It was set up in an empty room in the castle that was never used.

"I've heard of it." Lily lied. Actually, she had heard quite a lot about it. That was the hot spot during the weekends that everyone would hang out at. She, however, chose not to, claiming she could get a date on her own.

"I signed you up for it." Kate blurted. "Okay. Well I just remembered something I have to do so…bye!"

"Oh no you don't!" Lily cried, shooting up from her spot on her bed. "You go back down there and tell them that I'm no longer signed up for it, okay?"

"Sorry." Kate said, but she looked the furthest thing from remorseful. "But it's a binding magical contract."

"But I didn't sign up for it." Lily protested.

"Actually, you did." She said, pulling out a roll of parchment, "Remember I said I needed the Head Girl's signature to try to get a book club together?" Lily nodded, her eyes becoming tiny slits. "Well, you really signed this."

"Did not!" Lily said, "I read it through and it said nothing about a game show…"

"That's because I bewitched it." Kate said, looking thoroughly proud.

Lily stood up. "That was rather clever of you."

"I know."

"And I'm so angry right now."

"I know."

"So you better start running."

"I know."

Kate took off out of the room, down the stairs, out of the portrait hole, and down the corridor, Lily following close behind.

"LILY!" Kate shrieked as her angry friend grabbed the back of her robes, "Please. Just let me explain. I was doing this for your own good."

Lily sighed and let go. Actually, it really wasn't that bad of an idea. Maybe she would get a suitable boyfriend, and that way James would stop chasing her. "When do I have to go?" She asked wearily.

"Great!" Kate cried, looking at her watch. "Ten minutes!"

"WHAT?" Lily shrieked, clearly appalled. She had been expecting at least a week. "NO! I MOST CERTAINLY AM NOT GOING IN TEN MINUTES!"

"Come on, Lil." Kate pleaded, "It won't be that bad. Plus, think of how much everyone will hate you if you ruin their Saturday night fun?"

Lily rolled her eyes, "Wow. Well when you put it like that…" She mumbled sourly.

"Great, glad you changed your mind." Kate smiled, grabbing her friend's arm and dragging her down the corridor. Finally, they arrived at a room that appeared to be deserted. She knocked four times.

"Password?" Asked a voice from the other side of the door.

"Figgly Wiggly." Kate replied firmly.

"Figgly what?" Lily snorted.

The door swung open, and she was ushered inside. It was the first time Lily had been in there before, and she was almost knocked off of her feet. There was an engorgement charmed cast on it, so it was roughly the size of a large stadium. There was a stage upfront, with lights all around it, and rows and rows of audience chairs that were already filled with chatting students.

"Lily," Said a boy named Charles, "Just in time. You're scheduled for tonight, right?" She nodded, completely dazed. He pulled her to the front of the stage, and leaned in closely. "Okay. You know what to do, right? Ask each of the boys a few questions, then I'll tell you when the thirty minutes is up. When I tell you to pick, chose one of the boys."

"Okay." Lily said quietly.

He pointed a wand to her neck, and soon she was able to speak ten times louder.

"ATTENTION EVERYONE!" He boomed, and at once the stadium quieted. "TONIGHT OUR LUCKY GIRL IS…LILY EVANS!" Everyone cheered loudly, stamping their feet on the ground in an uproar. "NOW IS THE TIME TO INTRODUCE THE FOUR CONTESTENTS. CONTESTANT NUMBER ONE: BEASTLY BOY!"

Lily snorted defiantly, watching as Charles gestured to the four boys, each behind a curtain covering their entire body.

"CONTESTANT NUMBER TWO: BOOKWORM." Her eyes lit up considerably, she always liked a boy who could read. "CONTESTANT NUMBER THREE: THE INCREDIBLE HUNK. AND CONTESTANT NUMBER FOUR: LORD FOXY."

"What the hell kind of names are those?" Lily mumbled under her breath, forgetting that there was a spell cast on her voice. It rang shrilly throughout the stadium, and everyone looked at her in confusion.

"Alright Lily," Charles said, "Go."

"Okay…" Lily mumbled, looking at each of the blue curtains in turn, as if hoping that she could see through them.

Meanwhile, James, Sirius, Remus, and Peter, were standing behind the curtains.

"Remind us again why we are doing this?" Remus sighed.

"Because," Peter said, "James wants Lily to pick him, but if she doesn't, at least he knows the one she picked, and he can keep an eye on them."

Sirius shrugged, "I've always wanted to be on here anyways."

Lily began asking the first question. "Okay…Beastly Boy. If we went on a date together, where would you take me?"

Peter leaned into something that worked like a muggle microphone. When they wanted to talk to the other contestants, they would just cover it up. Taking a deep breath, he said, "To get cheese."

James smacked him over the head, "Can't you forget your rat cravings for like, two seconds?" He hissed.

She wrinkled her nose, "Okay? Um, how about you, Bookworm?"

"To a nice restaurant just to talk." Remus boomed, then, covering up the microphone, he leaned over to James, "Couldn't you guys have picked another name for me besides 'bookworm'?"

"I like that." Lily smiled, feeling extremely foolish about being on this show, "Alright, The Incredible Hunk. Where would you take me on our first date?"

"Where ever you would like to go." James said.

Lily's eyes widened, "I like that, too. Okay, how about you, Lord Foxy?"

"Somewhere to snog." Sirius said, cackling to himself as he pictured her reaction.

"Oh…er…" She paused. What else would she ask? She wasn't familiar with these types of things. "One at a time, tell me what the perfect relationship would be like."

"We talk a lot about…things." Peter said.

"We can look to each other for anything, and we'd always be there for each other." Remus said, and James narrowed his eyes. Couldn't he have said something less…sweet?

"A perfect relationship would be happiness. Being able to laugh with each other…even at each other…. With everything that's going on, we can take one look at each other and smile, knowing that the love between us is more powerful than the evil surrounding us…"

"Stop while you're ahead, Romeo." Sirius laughed, then he turned his attention back to the show. He'd always loved toying with Lily, and now was the perfect chance, seeing as she didn't know who he was, so she couldn't hex him. "If we're sad, we'll snog. If we're bored, we'll snog. If we want to talk, we shut each other up by snogging."

Lily looked completely disgusted with his response, "Um…okay? Let's see…oh, I know. What's your favorite thing to do in your spare time?"

"Whatever I'm doing." Peter said, laughing at what he thought was a very clever joke.

"Reading or just relaxing. If it's spare time, why not enjoy it and take a break from everything around you?" Remus said.

Lily smiled widely, she really liked this 'bookworm.' It was the 'Lord Foxy' and 'Beastly Boy' she could do without.

"I like to play quidditch." James said.

Lily shrugged, she didn't like that one as much as Bookworm's, but it was still better than Beastly Boy's…

"I like to snog." Sirius said, cringing as Remus smacked him upside the head.

"What's your favorite food?" Lily asked, raising her eyebrows and Lord Foxy's reply.

"Cheese."

"I like potatoes." Remus said.

"Anything that's yummy." James grinned.

"I like the taste of another girl's mouth." Sirius said, ducking as both Remus and James attempted to smack him. He laughed to himself, thinking he was more than slightly hilarious.

"What is your favorite drink?"

"Cheese." Peter said, attempting to be humorous like Sirius.

The audience looked to each other in confusion.

"Butter beer."

"I agree with Bookworm." James said, "I like butter beer."

Lily nodded and turned to Lord Foxy's curtain, "How about you? And please, have it be something _other_ than that of a girls mouth."

"I was going to say milk." Sirius said, "You're kind of dirty."

Lily huffed angrily and folded her arms across chest. "Okay. Um…what's your favorite color?"

"Blue." Peter said.

"Green." Remus said.

"I like orange."

"I like whatever color the girl is wearing." Sirius said, snorting to himself.

Lily's mouth twitched, and she turned to the four curtains, "I'm running out of questions. Why don't you tell me a bit about yourselves?"

"I like to run around, playing and having fun." Peter said, "But I like girls, too. Don't worry."

"Well, I'm someone who can be found hanging out with friends or just relaxing." Remus said, "There's really not much to know about me."

"I'm usually up for anything." James said, "I'm rather handsome, too. You should see my chizzled chin." He paused, just picturing Lily's reaction. "Joking. See? I'm funny, too."

"Well." Sirius said, "I'm the type of guy who is really deep." Lily rolled her eyes. "And after I get the girl to think that, I snog her senseless."

Lily slumped her shoulders. Were all of the contestants this insane? Why was she stuck with the loony bunch?

"Okay." Charles said, running to the front of the stage, "It's been half an hour, and it is time to have Lily Evans make her decision. When she eliminates one, she has to explain why, and when she chooses one, she also has to explain why." He turned to her. "Good luck."

Lily looked back to the curtains. All of this happened to fast. One moment she was content with reading a book, and the next she was thrown onto a game show, having most of the student population watching her. She paused, looking at each one of them in turn.

"Beastly Boy," She said, "I'm sorry but you have to go. You seem like a really nice guy, but you just don't seem like my type. I don't think you are deep enough."

The curtain swung away, to reveal Peter, smiling sheepishly.

"Peter!" She gasped, biting her lip to prevent herself from laughing. Poor kid, he had to come on this show to get a girl. She immediately stopped her cackling, realizing she was on the show, too. "Lord Foxy. You also don't seem deep enough. Your only interest seems to be in the body, and not in the person."

Sirius rolled his eyes right before the curtain swung away. He was joking the whole time, and it was completely worth it, just picturing in his mind what she was doing.

"Sirius?" She was startled. Why would Sirius come on a show like this? He could get any girl he wanted. It then that her eyebrows shot up so high, they were almost lost in her hair line. If Peter and Sirius were on this show, then who were the other two? She was almost certain one was Remus, and the other was James.

She certainly did not want to pick James. Yeah, they were becoming friends and all, but it would prove that Lily was wrong all these years, and that James and she really did have chemistry. She could evaluate both of their answers, and the ones that seemed most like James, she would eliminate. She sighed, doing that wouldn't solve anything. She would just have to pick the person that she seemed to like more. James Potter or not.

"Um…you both seem really sweet, and I liked your answers a lot better than Sirius and Peter's."

"That's Lord Foxy to you." Sirius said defensively.

She rolled her eyes again, "Anyways, I'm not quite sure who to pick. But when it comes down to it, Bookworm…"

James slumped his shoulders. He might as well give up. If Lily wouldn't even go out with him from behind a curtain, she definitely wouldn't take the time to get to know him. He looked at Remus sadly.

"I seem to get more of a friend vibe from you. You're really sweet, but you seem so much like me that I only see a friendly relationship." Remus' curtain swung away.

James gasped. Was she saying what he thought she was saying? Was she about to pick…

"The Incredible Hunk." She said, "I-I would like to go on a date with you." She bit her lip, almost positive of who was under the next curtain. "You and I seem to have a lot in common, and…"

"HOORAY!" James shrieked, bursting through the curtain and sprinting up to her, enveloping her in a giant hug. "YOU PICKED ME LILY? SEE? WE REALLY WERE MEANT FOR EACH OTHER!"

The entire audience looked around wildly. What had just happened? They had never thought in their entire lives would they see Lily and James going on a date…

Clearly, Lily thought the same thing. But nonetheless, the laughed as James scooped her off the ground.

"Put me down, James." She said, and he obliged.

"Alright." Charles said, skidding to a halt in the middle of the stage. "That concludes another Woe the Witch, in which Lily Evans picked…oh Merlin, I can't believe this is happening, but LILY EVANS PICKED JAMES POTTER!"

Everyone in the stands clapped happily, this was by far the most entertaining show yet, and soon they began to file out of the stadium, heading for bed. Kate, once she thought it was safe enough, ran up to Lily, "I told you that you would be happy I made you do this!" And with that she sprinted away.

Lily laughed as James gave her another hug.

"You were right, James." She said, looking into his eyes, "I finally got to know the person called James Potter. Not just tonight, but this whole year. Ever since we've been made Heads, I've seen a different side to you."

"Do you like this so called person, 'James Potter?'" He asked, raising his eyebrows tauntingly.

"Yes." Lily whispered, grabbing his hand, her eyes never leaving his, "I really do."

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A/N: I hope you liked it. Please read and review!


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